I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
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[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!