jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
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You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?