Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
me linking you to my twitter
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind