“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
You Might Also Like
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
why isn’t thunder called soundning
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.