Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
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Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My current situation
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Always a metermaid never a meter
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no