Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
You Might Also Like
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
This bar smells like my childhood.