Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
new wife guy just dropped
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.