Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
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Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
He took my last fry, your honor
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Well, this certainly took a turn
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
This fish is cracking me up
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
File under excellent bookstore names.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?