Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech