Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
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I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.