I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
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ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok