Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
You Might Also Like
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur