If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed