My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
You Might Also Like
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I think they could have phrased this better
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.