Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
You Might Also Like
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread