“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
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I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.