What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
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Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?