After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
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Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
is nasa ok
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.