Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
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Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
That de-escalated quickly
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting