My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
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there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.