Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
You Might Also Like
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.