been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
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CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My typo game is string.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.