Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
You Might Also Like
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I’m already scared
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not