I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
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Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
no!! no!!!!!!
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.