landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”