Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
You Might Also Like
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Rambo Rambow
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply