lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
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Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.