Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
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Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?