I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
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Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
So creative 😂
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
when dads have a rap battle
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*