can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
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It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.