Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
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I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
[shakes fist at other fist]
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
*frowns in Scottish*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.