Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
“OMGJK” -atheists