Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
You Might Also Like
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I’ve had relationships like this
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?