[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
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Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
oh my gosh!!
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?