i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
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[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]