Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January