Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
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Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk