According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
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yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?