The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
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went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
❤️🦆
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
My boss called in sick of me
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
security at the airport getting more straightforward