i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
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When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*