I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
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I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
pat pat
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE