ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
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Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80鈥檚 that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don鈥檛 work when I鈥檓 at work either.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
popsicle not seeing heaven 馃槶
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
me when i see my girls butt
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
The Beatles: 馃幎 lend me your ears and I鈥檒l sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it鈥檚 a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
A dad and his duck