Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
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Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
hi why am I like this
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely