I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.