me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Get in loser we’re going crying
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
No way!
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I’m not lazy
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao