Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
You Might Also Like
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Heroic Misunderstanding
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…