{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Breaking news:
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.