“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
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Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.