MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
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Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
lost dog
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
As the Lord intended
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour