Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
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[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.